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belly gone bad
09 October 2002 @ 10:25 pm
im hardly with words but annoyed. by tonight. i just got off the phone with steven who hung up on me. because earlier this week he was telling me we had to talk more and the past two days he has fallen asleep and been to tired to talk to me around 9 or ten my time. which i realize is an hour later there but i am tired as well and i have to kick my brother off the phone and make a big fuss just to call him and here him say he is too tired.. and hear him say i used to say that to him.. when i know i made more of an effort than that. i asked him where was i living when i said i couldnt talk when i was too tired and he said who gives a shit where i lived. when i was trying to make the point that alot of my life has changed since this summer.. i am not the same still.. so when he didnt acknowledge that i told him fuck you and i dont normally curse at him even when he curses at me (which isnt often cause he knows i dont like it and he just doesnt alot in general) but then he hung up on me which is so rude. and i tried calling back and he didnt pick up. also rude. so i left a message saying he would have to be the bigger one and call me back if he wanted to talk to me. i hope he calls. but i have this feeling. he doesnt want to. for some reason it really feels like he doesnt care.. he doesnt understand. when i thought he would at least always try to or want to.. i am such a sob case.. little violins.. heh. still. now i am more sad than tired and i wish i could just sleep calmly and nicely tonight but i know i will just worry about this.

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belly gone bad
08 October 2002 @ 08:16 pm
i am illegally drinking
hot chocolate in the library right now
and thinking of you
wondering why do you always wear black?
how come you left early and didnt tell where?
and why dont you like me as much as i like you?
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es me tonto poema.

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i worried about nothing i did work and didnt have to turn it in..and now i dont work until friday!! in less than a week steven will be here and things will feel safe again.. so safe. :)
 
 
belly gone bad
07 October 2002 @ 08:33 pm


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our yard is flooded whenever it rains.. my dad put paths in there last summer so it a pond with paths..very cold.. the things i do when my parents are not home. :) ooh the excitement..
 
 
belly gone bad
07 October 2002 @ 02:36 pm

she laughed

she wouldnt

say why


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belly gone bad
07 October 2002 @ 12:30 pm
needing to quote miss violet (whatsyourstory)--she is so intensely holding the mark to the ground all the time.. she is the best to ask the color of things i am sure.

"love isn't about the other person anyway.. we'll be falling in love with people and places for the rest of our lives, no matter who we're with - we can only perceive things about other people- we believe things about them -and we want to be with them to change our own feelings - increase feelings of love, or comfortability, or excitement -but if we're smart, we will realize that falling in love is just life's way of clueing us in to what we can learn and love about life -that we don't have to own it, but we can see it for what it is and enjoy it."
 
 
 
belly gone bad
07 October 2002 @ 07:28 am
so now i dont even need to know what i am supposed to do cause i have enough time. but still it would be nice to know exactly what i am to do .. i dont want to write 90 lame sentences in spanish if i dont have to.. i am a whiner.. not really in the morning.. cause my voice is all gruffy and it cant whine.. its just i am no longer working today .. cause of cars breaking down and if my mom knew how to drive teddy's car she would but ted got in an accident with his pretty car yesterday.. he is haveing the wierdest things happening with that car.. i guess the day before his accident someone with a soupied (hehe that "i" in there was just to make me laugh no one else) up honda civic followed him home from motomart and actucally got out of thier car and stood in front of our house.. i told him they were plotting to steal his.. why else would they do that? okay so less than 24 hours after that-someone cuts him off that knows him and sends him into a curb.. just saying the car has its own life. if ted didnt have his own life he still would be just fine.

i just lost all urge to say more. i really need some nice photos. really.
 
 
belly gone bad
06 October 2002 @ 11:33 am
i have to be at work in minutes and i dont know if i should start what is on my mind or not. because it is just whining about how things are. though i thought of some good comebacks yesterday to things people have said in the past months that have kept with me.

to the man that told heidi and i we walk to wide at the state fair
me (with great excitement and innocent concern): well sir we are only trying to protect this good world of ours from a man with an enormous head up his ass eating his gol darn poop too fast"
i just happened to think up the ending.

and to my older brother who is a self proclaimed black sheep of the family
me: "You are not a black sheep. You are an alcoholic." (working on this one still i think it has a potential to be opening dialouge to a story or something).

i am so mean..i dont mean to be just he isnt a black sheep what so ever.. all my brothers and sisters take after him.. except me really.. but we are all our own he lead the family into their running craze so he does not get that title. besides we all act way too young to be called sheep. we are lamb fuzzy warm gray ones :)

i have to work lots the next few days and i dont have time to do the things i have started and must finish. at the moment i want to find a longer shirt.. i have to make a lunch so i dont have to eat mc donalds (icky) *tired sigh*

yellow yellow yellow.
 
 
belly gone bad
05 October 2002 @ 07:37 am
it may snow today where i am going!! woohhoo!! if it does.. i will take pictures and if any of them seem shareable i will share my snow with you.. ( i am so getting my hopes up and whenever i do that what i want to happen never happens ).

updateish: it did not snow, however it was very cold. the end.

well maybe not.
 
 
belly gone bad
04 October 2002 @ 03:26 pm
do muppets have lips? i've been thinking about this for a while and i dont really want to go searching on this box for pictures.. i cant remember. did gonzo have lips.. maybe one of the balcony men? the one with the smilely eyes? anyhow.. if anyone knows for sure.. let me know. k? :)
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just got back from the doctor. i hope i dont get all wierd on myself like i did a couple weeks ago when i saw a doctor. i guess my next mri and mrv to find out how the infarctions are progressing away is going to be around christmas.. i would really like to be in a open sided.. but if i want that my mom or i have to figure out if our insurance will cover me going to another place. its just all the times i did that i had to be sedated.. and i know i am a wimp but i am big chewy girl and it's tight in there.
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i am off work until sunday :) yay! tomorrow i go to duluth and today i see my sister.. supposedly. i miss her. my mom said i could almost go and stay with her in duluth and they would pick me up tomorrow but she is working tonight so what's the use? i dont understand how she is letting her husband just hang around the cities with his friends while she has to work? i mean maybe it is a little old fashion of me to say but arent the husbands supposed to support the wives? he hardly ever works.. i just hope she isnt all lonely up there.. but i shouldnt worry cause she is one of those socially ept girls (is ept a word?) hmm.
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i heard from anton today. he sounded sad. he said the last time he was happy was when he was in minnesota last august.. it made me feel more bad than good. it's not right that he has to learn the hard way..even though his life may not seem hard..to most.. he has just realized somethings he took forgranted..and how its impossible to turn it around.. and he needs some faith or something to believe in i think.. and i just wish i could hand him an answer sheet and say dont tell anyone i gave this to you but this is how it all works.. but i guess you have to work things to really get them. which is scarey.. and sad when they just cant get it.blast. i must add though.. that i love broken english.. i wish i could write in broken english. its just wierd how last year about this time i was getting over him.. and now he sounds like he wishes we could be together. or maybe he just really loves minnesota..and this is not to irk steven..i am sorry though i know you dont like to read stuff about old people..really i am just recording so i remember. there is so much i dont write about cause i dont want to hurt people but mostly myself by hurting people and some day i am not going to remember. and i want to remember on story-less days.
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i feel pretty good.and i am a little afraid to say that.
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ooh kathryn-- i got your post card.. the postmaster had his way with the stamper on it but it's gorgeous :)
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and john.. if you are around.. yesterday i was listening to the nick cave you gave me really loud and i went out of my room and my little brother and his girlfriend were enjoying your music in a different way than i. anyhow all i could say was.. i have shampoo cause i was going to put the shampoo in the bathroom. and i am like ted.. you use this shampoo too right? look this one is family size.. anyhow i have been listening to that cd again.. i just wanted to say i still love it :)
 
 
belly gone bad
02 October 2002 @ 10:37 am
i am soo wanting to take happy cute pictures all i take is wierd no emotion pictures. i smile. summer vanished. someday it will happen. my light switch will be reached.. and a funny warmed look will appear.

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last night while going to class i was upset i was feeling wierd i get this feeling sometimes like there is a towel between my teeth and i cant feel my face and my right hand i cant tell the distance between it and my body and i must cry. so evidently when i arrived at school and walked into class i looked stoned. because someone asked me if i was stoned. i said no i am tired. but by the end of class i felt smart and alive again. i love school. i love that my mom forces me to go.. or that my anxiousness can be pushed by the thought of feeling guilty.

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i see honora today.. i get to meet her puppy.. did i mention days before i talked to her i had a dream of giving her a puppy?.. i should get ready.. i am going to dress pretty for no reason at all.